Hey beautiful human. It’s me, Rebecca Wiener, the Anxiety Eraser, and welcome to another episode of Effective Immediately, the show where we talk healthy emotions, mindset, leadership, and abundance. And I give you a new mindset shift that you can make effective immediately. 

Have you ever felt like you were caught in between being selfish or selfless, like they were two sides of the same coin? They’re actually opposite ends of the spectrum of giving and receiving. And today, we’re gonna dive into that some more.

All right, in today’s talk, we are going to talk about the power of self-love. And it’s a delicate dance in that sweet spot between selfishness and selflessness. Very often, people will say, Well, if I don’t want to be selfish, then I have to be selfless. And it can be this very tricky balance where people decide that in order to prove my love, in order to prove my worthiness, in order to prove my value, that I have to become selfless. That sounds exhausting, right? Doesn’t that sound incredibly exhausting? Okay, I want you to be super loving with yourself. We’re going to collect lots of data while we’re here together today. And so anytime you notice that you are judging yourself, I want you to give yourself a breath, put your hand on your heart, and remember that you are always doing the best that you can. 

Let’s talk about this sweet spot. The sweet spot is going to be different for everyone. And what do I mean about the sweet spot? It’s that place between selfishness and selflessness that you have for genuine self-love. And when I talk about self-love, I’m not talking about, you know, the kind of self-love that you’re like, Oh, let me get myself a cup of tea or let me make sure that I have my appointment in to get my nails done. I’m talking about loving yourself, honoring who you are, mind, body, and spirit. And then doing the ultimate act of self-love by creating a life that you love that is filled with joy, happiness, fulfillment, peace, and freedom. How does that feel?

There is a space in between selfishness and selflessness where you can A. laugh at yourself. You can allow yourself to be imperfect. You can be the person that you want to be without overgiving and overdoing or underdoing and feeling badly about yourself in any way.

Self-care versus Self-love

The first thing that you’ll notice is that when anybody talks about self-love, they’re talking about self-care. And all of this is a practice. We are imperfect human beings. We are messy. We are imperfect. We make mistakes, we fall off the wagon doing things, and we get back on, and we fall off again, and we get back on. Sometimes we have grand ideas about the ways that we’re going to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we have grand ideas about our self-care, our habits, the way that we’re going to give to other people, our new routines. And this is often very common at the beginning of the year, that we have these grand ideas about how we’re going to change ourselves into someone better.

And self-love is actually allowing yourself to see who you are right now, loving who you are right now, while you’re growing into the next version of yourself. Because yes, as humans, we are designed for growth. That is a normal, natural state for humans to be in to be seeking the next best part of ourselves, the next best experience, the next bit of growth, the next lesson, the next level of happiness or joy or new understandings. That is normal for us. 

If you’ve ever wondered if you’re selfish because you wanted more, there’s your reminder. You get to know that being a person who desires the next level, even if you don’t, even if you don’t want to say it out loud, that you want the next level. You’re normal. Even if you’re struggling with the level that you’re on, and there’s some part of you that wants more, but you’re like, Well, if this is what this level is like, what’s the next level going to be like? Can I even handle that? You’re normal.

It’s okay for you to want the next thing. It’s normal for you to want the next thing. And it’s okay for you to be scared of it too. Because remember, we always talk about this; the ego, the subconscious mind will always try to keep you in the same place. It’ll keep you doing the same things that will always try to keep you from moving ahead because ahead is the unknown. And the ego doesn’t like that. The subconscious mind doesn’t like the unknown. It likes us to stay very predictable. It likes us to say very much the same, even if we are incredibly uncomfortable. So is the ego a bad thing? No, it is only trying to protect us. But we just have to learn to dance with it. 

As we are talking about this place between selfish and selfless, this beautiful space of self-love, you will bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other, you will go back and forth, and you will be in different stages of this spectrum at different times. And the more that you get to know yourself, the more that you get to know and pay attention to your standards, your energy levels. And when you’re really being honest with yourself about why you’re doing what you’re doing, you can start to save lots and lots of energy.

Let’s talk about taking some time to really understand your boundaries, your standards and your values. All of these things are based on what brings you the most energy, what takes high energy from you, what keeps you from experiencing the lowest of the lows, and the highest of the highs. All of that, all of your values, the things that matter to you about your life, the things that matter to you about your relationships, the things that matter to you about your work, all of those feelings and experiences help you to create your values. And as you create your values, you build standards and boundaries on them. 

Standards or Boundaries?

Now, I know boundaries is like the keyword that so many people use. And if you know anything about me, if you’ve been paying attention at all, you know that I appreciate setting standards. Standards become ways of being, ways of operating where you don’t have to reinvent the wheel anytime someone asks you something, asked of you, or asked you to do something. You actually just check in with your standards. And because they are based on your values, because they are based on the way that you want to live your life, the answers are very simple. It’s usually a yes or no. Without explanation.

Boundaries are a way of being in defense. Boundaries take a little bit more energy, sometimes a lot of energy, because you are constantly watching to see who’s checking in on them, who’s pushing them, who’s nudging them, and who’s bypassing them. As you operate from standards, you will notice what energizes you and what takes energy from you. As you move through those experiences, you’ll be able to adjust and you’ll be able to grow. And you’ll be able to notice, Oh, this feels better to me, so I’m going to set this as a standard. I’m going to update my standard because this feels good to me. This energizes me. This takes less of my energy and makes me feel safe.

As you’re going through some of your past experiences, you likely are as you’re listening, I want you to think about times when you have done things that you didn’t want to do. Times when you allow people to take from you things that you didn’t really want to give. But you were so worried about being seen as selfish that you gave it to them. Your time, your effort, your energy.

Proving Your Value

It’s not uncommon for us, especially as women, to try to take care of everyone. Often we are trained that that is our value, to take care of everyone. It’s in us to do it. So remember, no judgment, just collecting data. But when we are trying so hard to prove our value, self-love can go out the window. And we can worry that the only two options are selfish and selfless. And because we don’t want to be seen as selfish, we end up giving of ourselves to a point of burnout, exhaustion, depletion, and resentment.

If you’ve ever been in a situation where you have given and given and given and felt like nobody gave back to you, and you started, you knew that you had to keep giving in this situation because you set it up that way. Or that there was no other choice but to be seen as selfish. You can become resentful. I can’t believe I’m doing this stuff for them again, I can’t believe I’m doing all these things for them, and they don’t care. They’re completely ungrateful. They don’t care about what I think or what I feel. That is resentment.

Now, if you’re looking at that same experience that maybe you’ve had, or maybe you have seen this in someone else, imagine operating from a slightly different place. Noticing that you don’t have to be seen as selfish or selfless. But you can be operating from your self-love.

What a beautiful thing to model for your kids, for your friends, for your family, that you say no when you mean no. And you know your own value. And that you choose to take care of yourself first. Now I know, parents, mothers with young children, I don’t know how you do it, frankly, that you will often have to give to your children first. And in those quiet moments that you have in your life. Those are the opportunities for you to give to yourself to fuel yourself. I know you’ll have to find your groove there. You’ll have to find your way there. But I want you to know that you are valuable because you exist. You were valuable the moment you were born, and you have had nothing to prove since. The one who thinks you’re selfish is you. The one who might see your acts as taking care of yourself before taking care of your team or your employees or your business or whatever when you take care of yourself first, and you worry about what people might think. It’s because you’re thinking you’re selfish.

It is not uncommon for women to be givers and over-give to the point of exhaustion. So if you’re just gonna wipe away the idea that you’re selfish, what would self-love look like for you? What would these standards be based on? What of your values would these standards be based on? What would you create for yourself as a way to show yourself that you love and honor who you are and what you’re creating in this world? What would it be?

Maybe the standard would be that you give yourself time on your own at least once a week. Just to think about what you need, what you’re creating, how close you are to your goals, what your visions are. Maybe it would be time away by yourself. Maybe it would be time away with friends. Maybe the thing that you think is so selfish, getting away and having a date night with your partner, is just the thing that you would need to feel energized.

So as you’re thinking about these things, these standards, there are other things that come into play, right? How people speak to you, what you allow them to say around you. What kind of people, places that you go to because of what you want to experience and how you want to feel. Simple standards that you set in place that tell people what you value most. Now you might be exploring all of that in your mind right now, and that’s okay. And you might be thinking, Oh my gosh, I wish I had done this so much sooner. That’s okay to remember we’re just collecting data.

Loving Yourself

All of this is about how well you can love yourself. Because every time that you love yourself, every time that you take care of yourself in this way, you bring such value to your body, your mind and your spirit. Your worthiness amplifies your confidence, and your self-esteem amplifies. And it can be scary. It can be scary to think about being in a state of healthy selfishness where you actually do things for your own growth and your well-being. You step away from the needs of others for a little bit, and you take care of yourself and your needs.

Maybe it is taking some time to do some inner work. Maybe it is using the resources you have to do something for yourself. My clients often find out when we work together that it takes a little bit of time and it takes a little bit of resources for us to create a relationship together where we can work and have the healing that they want. And they wouldn’t think twice if they gave that to their child. If their child needed what they needed, they wouldn’t think twice about it. So it’s okay for you to come back and think about what you need and how you can create what you need and allow yourself to feel an awkwardness in this journey to self-love.

If you are very judgy of yourself, and we all have been from time to time, remember, this is all just data. But if you’ve been very judgy of yourself, trying to prove yourself as valuable in this world, you’ve probably been an over-giver and an over-doer. If you’ve been judgy of yourself and wondering what you could be doing better in this world, where you could be giving more, you have probably been overgiving and overdoing. That looks like trying to save everybody from themselves. Right? Maybe your friend or your colleague or someone on your team has come to you with a situation. And instead of listening, you dove right into trying to find solutions to make it better. Been there. And what I realized is that when we try to move an obstacle for someone that, they’re just at the point of seeing or haven’t even seen yet. And we successfully help them avoid that obstacle by giving them advice that that obstacle will come back at some other point because they need to have the lesson. Because that’s what they signed up here for is the lesson.

Overgiving Can Be Harmful to Others?

And what happens when you are over-giving, overdoing, overprotecting those people that you care about? It seems so loving, but you’re actually keeping them from having the experience, from learning more trust, from learning more experience. You’re actually trying to prove your worth.

I know that’s kind of sensitive. I know that can be kind of sensitive, that often, when we are overgiving or overdoing, it seems so generous. It seems so selfless. And what it is, is about proving your own value. That might have stung. So give yourself a breath. Give yourself some love. You don’t have to save anyone. You don’t have to save your friends. And I mean emotionally, of course. Obviously, we’re going to support them if there’s something life or death happening. But you do not have to be the Savior for everyone.

You can be loving and supportive and actually wait for them to ask for your help rather than diving right in. Now this might seem kind of cold because, remember, for a long time, we’ve been operating under the assumption that selfish and selfless are two sides of the same coin. But when we operate from the fact that it’s a spectrum, and the space between those two things is self-love, you’re actually giving yourself love. You’re actually trusting and honoring the person who’s sitting in front of you as well.

So your friend comes to you. They’ve got a problem. You immediately go into solution mode. You immediately try to fix it for them. You immediately try to give them advice that they probably can’t even hear because they’re so in the throes of all of the emotion. And you’re trying to prove your value to them. Be super loving with yourself about this because it happens a lot. Now imagine you just sit there and say, I’m here to support you. Tell me, if you want to tell me, tell me everything. And without asking, without diving in to give them support, or give them advice, or save them, it might feel really cold in that moment. What will happen is the person will actually feel seen, honored, and not judged. Whoa, right?

When we try to over-give, and we try to overdo it to prove our value, we actually pull value from the mind of the person who’s dealing with the thing. Unconsciously they begin to see themselves as not enough, or not valuable or smart enough because someone is trying to save them all the time. 

Now when somebody says they’re a recovering overgiver, so am I. The first time that I held back my advice, held back trying to jump in and dive in and help the situation, save the person, I felt really cold. I felt like Oh my gosh, this is so selfish. How can I sit here and watch this problem unfold? Watch the situation unfold and not dive in? But that wasn’t what was needed at the time. Now, Am I perfect at this? No, because I mean, I help people for a living, so it’s not so easy all the time to not dive in and see. And most of you who are watching or listening to this, I know that you’re helpers too. You’ve proven your value so many times to yourself by giving, and giving and sharing and healing and helping, and leading. And if you can let yourself sit with the cold feeling for just a moment, what you’ll notice is that you didn’t spend all that energy trying to help that person who, if they don’t come to the lesson by themselves, won’t really ever get it. You saved all that energy. You don’t have to feel resentment if they don’t take your advice. You don’t have to feel irritation if they don’t do what you’ve suggested. And you don’t feel depleted because you’ve put all your energy into the situation that was not yours to save. That is self-love. That is honoring who you are. The fact that you’re valuable just by breathing.The fact that you have nothing to prove. And at the same time, you can be incredibly loving just by listening.

Yeah, give yourself a breath. I felt it. I felt the shift there. Overgiving and overdoing can feel generous. And you don’t need to prove your value. If you’re breathing, you’re worthy.

Exploring the Sweet Spot

Now, as you move through your life, we’re going to explore the depths of this further in upcoming episodes, but I want you to focus on your own space between selfishness and selflessness. Think about the things that you thought were selfish before and really take a look at were they actually selfish? Were they actually taking away or hurting anybody else? Or were they in this kind of sweet spot of self-love and healthy selfishness? And if you’re feeling like selflessness has been your way because you’ve been taught that by your family or your religion or society that, you have to give and give and give until it hurts. Notice how it’s hurting. Notice how it’s impacting you. Notice how it’s impacting your daily life, your physical body, and your energy. And how if you just pulled back the overdoing and overgiving just a little bit and you allowed yourself to give in healthy ways, with your standards, with your boundaries. More standards and boundaries, please. And with your just straight, loving heart, just this straight-from-your-heart love that allowed you to love the person that needs the help and love yourself at the same time. That there’s a sweet, healthy balance. There’s this sweet spot that allows you to say, I’ll help you with this, and the rest is your responsibility. I’ll listen, but taking the steps is your responsibility. If I’m going to help you with this situation in my business, then it’s going to require payment. 

These aren’t all things that you say, of course, but things that you begin to pay attention to, that you don’t need to prove your value. You don’t need to overdo or over-give. You get to honor who you are, what you’re creating, what you want for your future, your energy, and your love. That not everybody deserves everything that you’ve got to give. Meaning they haven’t earned it. At the same time, you get to decide who you let into your world, how deep they get to go into your energy. How much energy you’ll spend on them, how much time and where that sweet spot is for you taking care of yourself in the process.

This journey of self-love is dynamic. It’s ongoing. It is a practice. It is constantly refining and finessing so that you can live with your very best energy. So if you’ve been feeling like you’ve had to choose selfish or selfless, and not realizing that there’s a whole spectrum in between, then I want you to give yourself lots of grace, lots of love, lots of patience as you notice, because this is going to shift all your awareness. Notice where you give maybe too much because it’s causing resentment or pain inside of you, or exhaustion. Notice where you try to do too much because you’re worried about being selfish. And come back to, What do I need? How can I do this? Giving what they need in the situation, what they’ve asked for in the situation, and giving myself what I need at the same time. I promise you there’s a sweet spot there.

Your Effective Immediately Moment of the Week

All right. So let me give you your effective immediately moment of the week. When someone comes to you with a problem. A friend or colleague and you feel like diving in and telling them how to fix it. I want you to pause, let them talk. Let them have their emotions without you trying to save them. Wait for them to ask you for help. Here’s the trick, they may not. It is possible that they have found value in your conversation, and you didn’t even need to save them. And you get to save all that energy, that self-love.

If you are working on releasing blocks, moving toward your dreams, or wanting to release anxiety. Wanting to release the obstacles and the beliefs that have stood in your way so that you can elevate yourself, your thinking, your consciousness into your next iteration, your next level. Please reach out for a call with me. You can go to callwithrebecca.com to schedule a call. Or you can go to my website rebeccawiener.com, and find out a whole bunch more about me and schedule the call when you’re ready. 

I hope you have a beautiful week and you love yourself and take such good care of yourself while doing your best to not over-give or overdo because you’re already full of value. Bye for now.


About the Author:

Rebecca Wiener McGregor, also known as The Anxiety Eraser, is a seasoned transformational hypnotist, trauma healer, and abundance coach. Since 2004, she guides visionary women to break free from anxiety, blocks, traumas, and fears, leading them to a life filled with abundance and purpose. Through her book “Loving Her” and work with conscious women executives, leaders, coaches, and healers worldwide, Rebecca sparks profound transformations, helping her clients embrace their true selves and create impactful, joyful, fulfilling lives.

To schedule an intro call click here.

For speaking and podcasting appearances: love@rebeccawiener.com