Ever get tired of pointing the finger? Or having your limitations or the reasons that you can’t have what you want be about something else or someone else? Let’s shift this energy together today, shall we? 

Hey, beautiful human. It’s me, Rebecca Wiener, the Anxiety Eraser, and welcome to another episode of Effective Immediately, the show where we talk mindset, healthy emotions, abundance, leadership, and I give you a mindset shift that you can make effective immediately. 

Clients will come to me, and they will say, as we’re beginning to piece together all the pieces of their life, putting all that puzzle together to understand why they are where they are when they want to be somewhere else. Why they are in this state. Why they are with this situation. Why they don’t have the dream already realized. Why there’s resistance. And as we begin to talk about these things, they will say to me, I don’t want this to be about my mom, I don’t want this to be about my childhood, I don’t want this to be about the way that this thing happened to me or what this person did to me. And this is actually a healthy response. First of all, this tells me that they have probably done a lot of therapy. Many people come to me when they have done a lot of therapy and haven’t been able to quite shift things the way they want to. And this tells me that they’ve been doing a lot of exploration, a lot of piecing together the puzzle pieces, a lot of trying to get over, move forward, release the control that the past has over them. And this can put them in a place of blame, right? Or even the desire not to blame. We talked about that last week about how important it is to release our attachment to blaming. And some people get in resistance, worrying about the fact that the acknowledgment that we’re going to be doing is actually blame. I’m going to help you think about this just a slightly different way. You know how just a simple shift can shift your energy, a simple shift can change your trajectory, and help you move into a whole new place, a whole new energy, a whole new way of thinking. 

An Easier Way to Explore the Data

This expression of, I don’t want this to be about so and so, or I don’t want this to be about my childhood, or I don’t want this to be about whatever thing, is an expression of not wanting to be controlled. This is a healthy response, right? Because if we are pointing the finger out and blaming everybody else, then we have less control. At least our subconscious mind believes that we have less control over changing the situation. What I like to do with my clients is to help them learn to shift out of blame and acknowledge what has happened so they can put all those pieces together and then start to make the internal shifts that they need to make to allow themselves to move beyond the circumstance, to actually neutralize the emotions, the heaviness, the feelings of betrayal, all the emotions that come along with that, and move forward to their dream. Because we know the subconscious mind will only allow us to go as far as it thinks we can go based on the data that we have, which is all the experiences of our lives. So, as we are here together, we’re always going to be collecting data. So if things are popping into your mind now, this is okay. Give yourself space and time to think about it, to breathe through it, and to acknowledge, to take a look at how you have been viewing the situations of your life. Okay? All right. As we are piecing this together, I’m here to tell you there is an easier way to explore the data. It’s not pointing fingers. It’s not so and so did this, and I’ll never get over it. So and so did this, and I can’t move past it. It is this thing happened, and this is why I have this feeling. And this is why I have this amount of resistance, or this is why I believe my worthiness, or my ability to move forward has been impacted. Okay, so I’m using kind of general terms here, but you’re piecing this together with your own data. So allow that to land however it needs to. If any feelings come up, you know, we’re collecting data, it’s okay. Allow it to be felt. Allow yourself to understand what’s happening here. 

As we look at the energy of these situations, the first one is, they ruined my life, this happened, and I will never be the same. I can never put the pieces back together. That is blame. How it will look when it is turned into acknowledgment is, this is what they did to me, this is how I responded, this is what I believe the beliefs that I have carried since. You can see the difference of the energy, right? One of them puts the situation completely out of control. Meaning the person who has experienced the pain, the betrayal, whatever the situation is, can find little to no opportunity to change the situation, because they feel like it’s out of their control. Because this person, this situation, ruined them. Now, moving into acknowledgment says, I can look at this objectively. I can see what happened here. I can allow myself to notice how these patterns have come together. And then this allows me, when we’re in hypnosis, to help them go back to the experience to neutralize the experience, to neutralize the pain, to validate and honor the situation as it happened. And release all of the emotions. Usually, fear, anger, and sadness are there in this situation. 

You can tell that there’s a different energy, right? There’s a different energy about being in blame, like, I’m going to go, and I’m going to try to figure out everybody who wronged me. And I don’t even know how I’m going to put the pieces back together. But in a state of acknowledgment, we can notice this person did this, and this was my response. This is how I reacted. This is the behavior that came after that. And then going back into the past to heal the memories, heal the experience, neutralize the pain by validating and honoring the version of yourself that you were then becomes so much easier, so much simpler, and becomes a loving act rather than an act of defense. And it makes it so much simpler to fall in love with a version of yourself that had that situation happen. Rather than the focus being on who did it, what happened, why it happened all that. It turns it back into self-love instead of outward blaming. 

How’s that landing for you? Let me know what’s happening for you. Okay? This is so extremely valuable because we begin to reclaim control of our story. When we move out of blame and into acknowledgment, we have agency once again. We can begin to change things. We can begin to make shifts. We can begin to look at things in a different way because the energy and emotion that we have attached to this is not as strong. It becomes a very loving self-exploration rather than finding out who wronged me and why they did it and all that stuff. That is not the path that’s going to allow you to neutralize this, to move on from this, to create new beliefs around what is possible for you. Because you’re always going to be stuck on that treadmill of anger, frustration, hatred, irritation. Okay? So, take a pause, give yourself a breath. Let me know how that’s landing.

The Danger of Self-Blame

The same is true for self-blame. Now we’re going to shift into this just a little bit. Because many of us have experiences in our past where we took the wrong step, we did the wrong thing and it led to an outcome that did not serve us. That doesn’t feel good, doesn’t feel right. Doesn’t feel helpful, maybe put us in a dangerous situation. There are many different times when we take missteps. We do things that land us in a situation where something happens, and we can get in a state of self-blame. This often happens along with victim blaming. So you can imagine how painful it would be to be walking around knowing that certain things happened to you and having the feeling of, well, I do this to myself. There’s no one to blame but me. I can’t change the situation. In fact, I deserve to live with the pain and the shame and the outcome and all of that because I did this to myself. Self-blame here is very dangerous. It can lead to self-loathing. It can really cause you to feel out of control. And, like, I just have to live with the consequences of my actions, and I can never heal from this, I can never be better, I can never allow myself to have my dreams, my vision. You can see the energy here around self-blame can be very, very dangerous. Right? It is such a heaviness that you’ll have to carry unless you allow yourself to shift into this is what I did, this was the outcome. These are the beliefs that happened because of that outcome. This is what happened. This is who was part of it. This is how it affected me. And these are the beliefs I have from that outcome. When we shift from blame, self-blame to acknowledgment, we give ourselves the opportunity to change, to grow, to shift, and to bring loads of self-love back into the picture. When we’re in self-blame, we are not collecting data, right? We’re not in the acknowledgment phase. We are in the deciding that nothing can change. In fact, we’ve taken control and agency away from ourselves. Now, if you’ve done this, give yourself a breath, be very loving and gentle with yourself. Because, of course, we are just exploring the data. 

Now I help people move out of these different kinds of blame, different kinds of shame and anger and rage and mistrust and all of that so that they can feel worthy of their dreams. So that they can feel like they can release resistance to their dream, their vision, their mission. And if you want to discuss this further, you can find me at callwithrebecca.com. Book a call, or you can go to my website if you want to find out more about me. You can go to rebeccawiener.com. I’d love to talk to you about how we can make these emotions shift and release the resistance to your dreams very, very quickly.  

As we are unpacking and understanding layers of trauma, just a little asterisk here, trauma is actually the response that you feel to the event. Some people can go… two people can go through the same exact situation, one of them can feel trauma, and the other can be barely affected. So we know, then, that trauma doesn’t necessarily mean being in a war zone, having an ambulance involved, having the police involved. It can be a moment when something shifted inside of you about your worthiness, about how valuable you are, about what you’re capable of, a multitude of other things. So, people will say to me, Rebecca, my life has been really great, I’m successful, I am earning the way that I hoped to earn, my business and my community are thriving, and I’m ready for more, and I don’t quite understand why I’m not where I want to be because of these things that happened. I’m not quite sure how I can get to where I want to get because I don’t really have trauma. So many people will come to me and say, but I had a great childhood. My parents are great. I mean, you know, like nobody’s family is completely normal, or nobody’s childhood is completely perfect. Or, you know, we’ve all had losses, that kind of thing. The way that we respond to those things changes how we believe, which changes our chemistry. So if you feel like you don’t have trauma, it may be tiny, little moments in your life when you began to respond slightly differently. Just a moment where things changed a little bit, like, oh, the way that teacher spoke to me that time, I never quite went back to that feeling that I had before I did that project, and they talked to me about it that same way. Or someone spoke to me about my appearance, and I never quite felt the same way about myself after that. Or there were repeated comments about a certain thing in my life and while I didn’t feel it was traumatic, it changed the way I thought about myself. It changed the beliefs I had about myself. You can start to see that these things actually are the trauma. 

Give yourself a break. Give yourself grace. Some things might be unlocking for you that have not unlocked before, and that’s good. That’s good because this is where you take your power back. This is where you begin to look at things in a different way so that you can see your way out of it. So you can see past the old beliefs, you can start to notice, these are the ways that I’ve been thinking, and this is the way that I want to be thinking. This path was not as beneficial as this path is going to be. This path will take me to my dream, and this path will keep me stalled. Right? Okay. 

Being Resilient

So, as we are looking at acknowledgment, we allow ourselves to become resilient. We allow ourselves the opportunity to get pushed down and to come back. We allow ourselves to have moments of pain, struggle, strife, irritation, frustration, anger, sadness, panic, and we can trust that we can come back from that and grow and move forward. Now, we talked about this a little bit last week, how, when you are allowing yourself to be out of the blame game, there’s more opportunity for growth. And the blame game actually allows us to stop our growth. Shifting out of that, shifting ourselves into a way of acknowledging what has happened, we then begin to look at new ways of responding and new ways of being, and this adds to our resilience. It creates opportunities for us to not only move past, rise above, and rise again, but to create new opportunities for ourselves. As you’re looking at this, you might be feeling like, Okay, I’ve been in some blame here. There are some things that I didn’t want to acknowledge. Maybe I was completely avoiding acknowledging because I didn’t want to blame. I didn’t want this to be about that thing. So I didn’t even acknowledge what an impact it had on my life. 

If you’re feeling those things, I want you to just give yourself a breath, give yourself some love. Because this is the day that things get to start to become a lot easier for you. Realizing that maybe you’ve avoided acknowledging the things that have happened because you didn’t want to feel like you were blaming people. That’s a big deal. And that’s a big acknowledgment for you to have. A big understanding for you to notice, okay, I don’t have to be in blame. There is another way. I can begin to look at this without all of the emotion. I can start to look at the beliefs that I’ve held, the beliefs that have grown from those, the actions that I’ve taken or not taken in the pursuit of my dream without the sense of blame and losing control. Okay. 

Opportunities for Self-Compassion

You can notice here that this will allow you loads and loads of opportunities for self-compassion. Self-compassion is a very beautiful, beautiful place to get when you are in the high growth, ready to take the next leap, ready to create a new reality for yourself. And the things that you were not wanting to acknowledge, not wanting to blame, not wanting to look at, start to come up because you’re allowing yourself to see things in a new way. There’s an opportunity for lots of love here. Lots of caring, lots of respect, lots of gentle kindness that you can give yourself as you begin this exploration or deepen the exploration. I know that many people who follow me have been in therapy for decades, for a very long time trying to figure out why they are the way they are, why they can’t have the things that they want, right? Why things haven’t turned out quite the way they want to. And sometimes, this new perspective will allow us to see that there is something beyond the way we’ve been looking at things, the way we have been treating ourselves, the way we have been beating ourselves up unintentionally. Looking at, well, if this is the case, if this is the way I’m living my life, then it must be my fault. It must be my problem. I created this. 

While levels of that are true, that we have a hand in it because of our subconscious mind being the middleman, we have the opportunity to give ourselves lots of love, lots of grace, and lots of new understanding. So that when we enter into a new kind of relationship, whether it’s mindset coaching, hypnosis, Spiritual mentorship, whatever it is that you are seeking, that you can begin to experience lots of grace for yourself, lots of love for yourself, and lots of honoring for the experiences and who you were when you experienced them. Now this is a very big thing that we talk about, in my practice and with my clients, is that we always honor the version of ourselves that we were when the thing happened. What we knew, what we didn’t know, what we didn’t understand, because we know lots of our experiences, lots of our behaviors that we have, as adults are already set in place by beliefs that were rooted in our childhood before age eight. And, of course, trauma that happens after that contributes to the whole belief system as well. But when we come back to that self-compassion, and we’re looking at the version of ourselves that experienced the pain, the betrayal, whatever the thing was, that happened, we get to honor that version of ourselves, that part of us that is still alive and inside of us. Maybe no one else can see it, right? But we know it’s there. It’s that part of us that’s attached to that pain because it didn’t know how to deal with it. It wasn’t given the guidance. Nobody knew to give it the guidance. Nobody knew how to help you honor that part of you when the thing happened because maybe you never talked about it. Maybe it was never even something that you thought you should bring up to anybody. There’s no blame here, either, right? But that version of you, that went through the thing. And you have the thing, I know you have the thing, whatever the thing was, or whatever the things were, or the collection of experiences that you went through, there’s a version of you that is craving to be honored and validated. Not blamed, but honored and validated, and loved and even forgiven. And by doing that, being in the place of acknowledging that version will help you to expand your worthiness, expand your belief of what’s possible for you, expand your belief of what you’re capable of, what you can control, what you can create in your life. And it will even allow you to let go of that past experience and to begin to expand your imagination. 

So often, what happens when someone begins the work that we do together of healing the past and acknowledging those various versions of the self, they begin to see things in a whole new way. Crystal clarity comes in, oh, this is why I’ve been doing this this whole time. Now it all makes sense! That was the reason that I did this, which led to this, which led to this. It all makes sense. All the pieces of the puzzle come together so lovingly and gently, and with such massive shifting happening because there is new awareness. A new awareness is the heart of everything. We build so much on our awareness that when we take away our ability to be in the acknowledgment, we take away awareness because we don’t want to go there. We don’t want to fight with it. We don’t want to blame it, whatever the thing is that we’re avoiding the acknowledgment, that when we allow that acknowledgment to come back, we allow this new understanding to come back. We create deeper self-trust, and what happens from there is we allow more solutions to come in, more opportunities for us to do the hard work and the easy work, to see easier paths to the hard work, to expand our creativity about what’s possible, to look for so many more solutions. And if you’re already living part of your dream and you’re wondering what’s next, but there’s just like some muckiness that’s keeping you from seeing it, this will unlock the next level for you. It’s so incredibly powerful because the creativity and the imagination expansion happens when you love yourself. When you honor your wisdom. When you honor and acknowledge where you’ve been and where you’re going. That begins to allow you to feel worthy of the next levels, the next leap, the new reality. It’s such a fun, exciting time. Yes, the work that we do together is serious, healing the past, moving past limitations that is serious, and it also can be so much fun to explore. And, well, of course, unwrapping your dream is like Christmas every single day. Right? 

So, as you are thinking about acknowledging, thinking about moving from blame to acknowledgment, you create a really safe space for you to heal, a safe space for you to grow. Because there’s not going to be all that finger-pointing, there’s not going to be all this inner judgment that’s happening. There’s not going to be all of these little matches that are lit and all of these fires that need to be put out about shoulda, coulda, wouldas. You’re going to create a safe space for you to look at things without all of the emotion so that when you’re in this exploration of understanding why you are the way you are, without blame, you get to see things so much more easily. And my job, of course, is to help you see them, to lock arms with you, help you unpack all of this, and allow yourself to heal the patterns, heal the experiences so that you can move forward into your dream. 

Your Effective Immediately Moment

Are you ready for your effective immediately moment of the week? Here it is. As you’re noticing patterns inside of you because even today, even this conversation if you’ve listened this far, you have been unlocking things for yourself. As you’re noticing patterns and tempting to get into blame with yourself, getting that tempted to get into blame with yourself. There’s just like this tiny little ledge that you could if you wanted to just step right over and be like, Well, if you hadn’t done that, or you hadn’t thought that, then we wouldn’t be in this situation. If you had just done this, then we wouldn’t be in this situation. If you just did the thing that you said you were going to do, then we wouldn’t be in the situation all that is self blame, right? Give yourself a breath. Put your hand on your heart. We don’t want to create a rebel inside of you who was like, I can’t do anything right; I might as well do nothing. Or I may as well just screw up my life as much as possible. You allow yourself to come back to who you are, come back to that loving, self-compassionate place. Knowing and understanding that everything that happened to you happened so that you can get to this place of understanding. I’m not saying any of it was good. Not saying it was great or fun. And I’m not saying you couldn’t have lived without it. But the truth is, if something has happened, there’s an opportunity for you to learn, even if it sucks. I’m sorry to have to remind you of that. But you have the opportunity to look at this with the curiosity and the exploration so you can allow yourself to shift back into acknowledgment; okay, this is what happened, and this is where I can go next. And you have the power then to change the behavior. You have the power then to notice the belief that you’ve been carrying. You have the power then to think, okay, what belief will be more beneficial for me? What can I shift this into? What can I create now? So anytime you feel that feeling, come back to yourself, look at the beliefs, look at the situation, give yourself that love, and begin to think, what could I be thinking instead? What would be more beneficial for me to be thinking now? And you will allow yourself to hold on to that love, which is a very powerful energy for you to have as you are exploring, healing, and creating the life that you love to live.

Alright, if you would like to get in touch with me, have a conversation about what is possible for you, or you’ve been looking and watching and deciding, thinking if you want to be part of Limitless Leader, my one-year-long engagement, then you can reach out to me at rebeccawiener.com. Or you can go ahead and schedule a call with me right at callwithrebecca.com

I look forward to talking to you, and I’ll see you next week and be very loving with yourself. You deserve it. Bye for now.

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About the Author:

Rebecca Wiener McGregor, also known as The Anxiety Eraser, is a seasoned transformational hypnotist, trauma healer, and abundance coach. Since 2004, she guides visionary women to break free from anxiety, blocks, traumas, and fears, leading them to a life filled with abundance and purpose. Through her book “Loving Her” and work with conscious women executives, leaders, coaches, and healers worldwide, Rebecca sparks profound transformations, helping her clients embrace their true selves and create impactful, joyful, fulfilling lives.

To schedule an intro call click here.

For speaking and podcasting appearances: love@rebeccawiener.com