Ever feel like circumstances outside of you are holding you back from the growth, success, and happiness that you crave?
Hey, beautiful human, it is me, Rebecca Wiener McGregor, the Anxiety Eraser. And welcome to the first 2024 episode of Effective Immediately, the show where we talk mindset, healthy emotions, abundance, leadership, and I give you a mindset shift that you can use effective immediately.
Today we are talking about breaking free of the blame game, transforming our lives back into a state of empowerment and out of blame. Okay? We’re going to talk about breaking free from pointing fingers at outside circumstances making that the reason that we can’t have what we want, taking our power back, and reclaiming the narrative of our own lives to step back into our true potential and our own personal power. Okay, shall we do this? Thank you so much for being here.
Putting the Attention Outward?
There is this tendency that we have, being humans, that it’s easy for us to start to point fingers to outside circumstances. This isn’t working for me; it must be this, this, this, or this fault. It must be the government’s fault. It must be my customer’s fault. It must be the world’s fault. It must be the economy’s fault. It must be their fault; they must not be ready. They must not be good enough. It’s easy for us to turn the attention outward and to start blaming everything that’s in our way or making something into something that we can blame.
We’re always collecting data. We’re always looking for the information. We’re collecting data. We’re not here to judge ourselves. I’m not here to judge you. So, if you’re doing this, if you’re noticing that when things don’t turn out the way that you want, when you feel like you’re having a setback about something that you start to look outward, you start to look at what is happening around you. Let me use a really common example. Well, this person hasn’t signed up for my program yet. I don’t know why these people keep reaching out, even though they’re not ready to sign up for my program. This can be a very common feeling among transformational leaders who are so excited to help people, so excited to watch and witness and guide and lead a transformation with someone. We can see it so perfectly. X plus, you know, A plus B equals C. It’s so easy to get in the mindset of ‘I know exactly what they need.’ I’ve been there. I love helping people transform their mindset. I love helping people heal the past. I love helping people elevate their consciousness about what’s possible for them. And this idea of Why are they reaching out to me if they’re not ready? Why are they doing this? Or why are they doing that? If you’re asking why about a lot of other people, you are in a bit of a blame game. Data, remember it’s data.
It’s simple for us to get into that because it’s very scary for us to take responsibility for things. Now, if you are an evolving human, you know about the victim mentality, you know about the responsible mentality. And what I am suggesting that you do right now is to look at times in your life when you have pointed blame at other people unconsciously. Times when you have made other people take responsibility for your happiness, your success, your fulfillment, your joy, your whatever it is. Now, how powerless you have actually made yourself by giving up that control, by blaming someone else for your results you’re actually giving up control. So the blame game is a really messy thing to do, right, because it starts to point the finger outward. Instead, there’s a lot that you can do internally, with your mind, with your behavior, with your energy that you can shift that will shift your results.
One of my favorite quotes ever, and I’ve built my whole business on this, is Dr. Wayne Dyer saying, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” When we start to see things, our problems, as the result of how other people have behaved, how other people have treated us, how other people have behaved in their being, and how that impacts us, we are shifting responsibility away from us. Yes, we can acknowledge that other people’s decisions, other people’s energy, other people’s ways of being their behavior can affect us. I’m not saying you can’t, not saying that we can’t be hurt by other people. But our results come back to what we think about, feel about, learn about ourselves each and every day. Okay, so take a moment, take that in. Be really gentle and loving with yourself.
Remember the idea that I was talking about, with transformational leaders, seeing solutions for people seeing solutions for their customers, and then being frustrated when someone reaches out who’s not ready to work with them? That creates resistance, that creates a distance, a greater distance between the person who wants to help the leader and the person who was seeking the help, right? It creates resistance, and resistance creates static. Resistance creates static in our mindset, and resistance creates static in our energy, and it distracts us from the ways that we can shift to make it easier for other people to work with us. This is just one example of how this being in blame can impact us.
If you’re looking at your life, and you’re looking at the ways that you maybe have done this in the past, where you have spoken to someone about working with you, and they just weren’t on board, for whatever reason. Maybe they were scared as hell. Maybe they were afraid of the change. Maybe they were afraid of what would happen after they changed. Maybe they were afraid it wouldn’t work for them, that they would be the one it wouldn’t work for. Right? Maybe they were afraid about what other people would think if they found out that they were doing the work. There are many, many reasons why people seek the work and then back away from it. Most of them are rooted in fear. And when we connect to that fear with more fear, it creates that staticky resistance. And it puts us out of control of our responsibilities. Our responsibility in that situation would be to love them. To give them compassion, to be kind, to be open to ask if they want our coaching to gently nudge them, and help them through the situation. Make them a different kind of offer. There are many, many solutions to the situation. But when we get in resistance, we get frustrated and we think, Oh, why did they even reach out if they’re not ready to do the work? It takes us out of the opportunity to help them. It puts us in our own fear. It impacts our confidence. It impacts our self esteem, it impacts our worth, and it impacts our creativity. Resistance impacts our ability to create other solutions. Okay?
Thinking about this from being that transformational leader that you are, what are other times, other experiences, other circumstances that you can see would match this where you have placed blame and it took you out of your control? Sometimes when we’re in blame, we actually think that this is making us more powerful. When we get angry, when we feel toughness, we can believe that this will make us actually more powerful. It’s not making us more powerful. It’s taking us out of our power by bringing in the fear, bringing in the resistance, bringing in that static that disconnects you from the channel that you are, from the creative being that you are, from the leader that you are.
Stepping Out of the Blame Game
Okay, so thinking about how to step out of the blame game is to come back to what can I do now? What can I create for myself now? What is the opportunity that this is giving me now? So, using the example of the potential client who reaches out as excited to work with you and then pulls back, draws back, something shifts for them. Instead of being in the blame game, you can come back to yourself and think, What can I do now? What is something that I can create now? The immediate thing I would create, personally, is forgiveness. Create a space where there’s no longer resistance between you and that person, and come back to who else can I help. Where can I redirect my attention? What can I create now? How can I clear my energy? How can I clear my mindset? How can I shift into the understanding that they’re not ready now, but there is a line of people behind them who are ready and to trust? Do you see how this pulls us out of that resistance? That old way of being that said, Oh, the only way that I can be as successful as I want is that if everybody I encounter does what I want them to do. Whoa, that’s a big ask, isn’t it? If I can only be successful, if everyone that I encounter does what I want them to do, then I can be successful.
Let’s talk about stepping into the growth mindset. Recognizing that every time that we have some emotion come up in us that connects us to some kind of resistance, that connects us to fear, this is an opportunity for growth. This is an opportunity for us to say, what else could be true here? What else could I create here? To check in on ourselves: How is my energy right now? What are the thoughts that I’m thinking? What kind of a person am I being right now? Am I being someone who is in chasing energy? Who is in fighting energy? Who is in resistant energy? Or am I in the energy right now? Am I being the person who can receive? Am I being the person who can allow? Am I being the person who is open to a connection right now? You can tell that there’s a huge difference between those kinds of energies. And when we allow things in our lives that brush up against us, irritate us, cause fear in us, frustrate us to become moments of opportunity, moments of learning, moments of how can I look at this a new way? How can I shift my perspective slightly, just a little bit, to see things in a new way? And how can I take my power back in this moment? Give yourself a breath. Take that in. Tune into what’s happening in your body.
If this is feeling a little scary, that’s okay. If it’s feeling really exciting, that’s okay. If it’s feeling completely doable, that’s wonderful. Tune into what’s happening in your body and let that be the data for this experience. When we make the shift, and we allow ourselves to be in the learning mindset, the beginner mindset, then every roadblock every opportunity, every moment that we have, where we are in resistance, we can recognize as an opportunity for growth. Where the world, the circumstance has walked us right to the edge of our comfort zone, walked us right to the edge of where we feel limitation, and gave us the opportunity to see things in a new way. Gave us the opportunity to notice where we are feeling a limit, a block where we need a healing, where we need a shift in perspective, where we need to look at things just in a completely different way, or just a slightly different way. That client who didn’t sign up, who you worked so hard to have the conversation, you thought they were going to sign up, and they didn’t sign up and you were really frustrated with them for not signing up. That’s an opportunity for you to come back to your compassion, to come back to what else could I be doing here? Who else could I be helping here? They are your teacher.
Seeing the person who didn’t sign up as your teacher instead of your enemy is how you shift. That is how you shift. Seeing the person that you are frustrated with at work, that person on your team who gets under your skin all the time. It’s like they just can’t even breathe right for you. The way that they breathe, the way that they speak, the way they exist is an irritation for you. That person is not the object of your blame anymore. They become your teacher. What about them is pulling you out of your energy, is pulling you out of your responsibility to yourself, your responsibility to your team, your responsibility to your energy, your responsibility to your spirit? Collect the data. Notice in the moment, this feeling, this frustrating feeling that I have inside of me. I could pick any number of people, situations, or circumstances to blame. But what if I brought it back to myself and I looked at it just in a slightly different way?
Connecting to Solutions
You know how when you’re using binoculars, and you’re trying to zoom in on the situation, and you have to use that, I don’t know what the tool is on it just to refine your vision a little bit. That’s what I’m asking you to do in this situation. Let yourself see things just a little more clearly. Peel back the layers of emotion and look at the facts. And then come back to what can I do to shift the situation? What can I do to create a better outcome for myself? And the situation? What can I learn from this experience that will help me release the resistance? What can I do right now, in this moment, that will help me drop that resistance and get back into my creativity? When we are in fear and resistance and blame and guilt and doubt and shame, and all of those feelings that frustrate us so much, we are not in the creative space. When we drop that feeling, when we fully release it in the moment, and we pick up love, then we reconnect to creativity, and we reconnect to the infinite number of solutions available in this infinite universe. Sometimes we think of maybe two, three, maybe four, or five solutions to a problem. But when we are in our creativity, we can connect to hundreds of solutions. And you only need one. You only need one good one. So, allowing yourself to see past the handful that you have, by creating the blame that this is the only way it can happen as if this person in this circumstance are right. When you pull back, and you allow yourself to be in the feeling of love rather than resistance, you open up to so many more solutions. Not to mention it feels so much better to be in a place of I’m in control. I’m in control of my emotions. I’m in control of my actions. I’m in control of the thoughts that I think. Now, what can I do from this place?
Now, am I telling you to stop feeling every feeling and bypass all of your feelings and only come back to being happy and light and being in love? No, I’m not. We’ve talked about toxic positivity before and bypassing, spiritual bypassing. I’m not asking you to do that. I want you to allow yourself to feel your emotions. Feel what you need to feel. Trust yourself. Honor yourself. Honor the feeling that’s happening, use it as data, and then shift when you’re ready. But if you are noticing, let me rephrase, if you are noticing that certain people, experiences, news stations, and things like that activate resistance in you, that is an opportunity for you to practice right here, right now, dropping that resistance. Allowing yourself to notice, okay, this person has put me in a state that is out of my personal freedom, that is out of my personal control, and I am letting them run me. I am letting the circumstances run my life right now. I am giving my control over to that person, that situation, that experience. And I’m blaming that for my lack of success in whatever area you want to talk about. And when that happens, you have the opportunity to notice, okay, this person, this situation has been activating me for a long time. What else could be true here? What else could I create here? If I release the resistance, and I come back to my love of myself, the truth of my gifts, the truth of my ability to create what I want, what can I do now? What that does is it neutralizes that experience. It neutralizes that circumstance. It neutralizes that person’s power over you.
Think about the effect that that will have on your life. When that person is not leading you around, like a dog on a leash, you have set yourself free of the leash, and you’ve disconnected it. The blame is the leash. You’ve disconnected it. Now you are free. Free to decide who you want to be, how you want to react, what you want to learn from the situation, and what you want to do next. Think about how powerful that can make you feel and how much change you can create in your life from that mindset.
I’m so glad it’s connecting for you. One of my teachers a long, long time ago said when you point your finger at someone else, three are pointed back at you. It’s like the perfect reminder that even for us as leaders, when we come to this place of there’s something happening outside of me that I can’t control, and it’s pissing me off. It’s frustrating me. It’s taking me out of my energy. It is pulling me out of the opportunity to take an aligned action. Because it’s creating static, that resistance is the static. It’s creating confusion. It’s keeping me from understanding what I can do. It’s keeping me from certainty. It’s keeping me from clarity. I’ve got goosebumps. Somebody needed to hear that about clarity and certainty. When you allow yourself to drop the blame and come back to yourself, you get your clarity, your certainty back, and you come back to what’s true for you. What are your gifts? What are your strengths? How can I look at this a different way and create a different outcome for myself?
Give yourself a breath. Give yourself some love. And I want to make a suggestion to you. You, as a leader, likely have a lot of friends who are leaders, right? If you don’t, power tip, get yourself some additional friends who are leaders that you feel are strong leaders and amp up the quality of the conversations that you’re having with some of your other friends. So you can be leaders for one another. And you can lead together. And if you are having these conversations with your friends, you’re having these conversations in your masterminds, you’re having these conversations with your community I want you start making agreements about being good leaders. And what that would look like is, Hey, friend, when we’re having a conversation, and I get into the blame game, I want you to call me forward. I don’t want you to shame me about it. But I want you to give me some good information. I want you to give me the password, the safe word. I want you to say Okay, you’re in the blame game right now. You’re giving your power away. How can you take it back? Being in a community where you expect to be held to the standard that you want to be, where you know you are a powerful creator. You know that you operate best from love. It is important to have these conversations and to connect with other people who want to be in the state with you and to make these agreements that you don’t spin together in the blame. You acknowledge the circumstances. Acknowledgment is key, and we’re actually going to talk more about that next episode. Acknowledge the circumstances and then shift back into your personal power, your personal freedom, your loving control. Control of your thoughts, control of your energy, control of your actions. That’s what I’m talking about; loving control.
Your Effective Immediately Mindset Shift
Here is your effective immediately mindset shift that you can practice right away. When you notice you are in resistance, the fear, the frustration, the anger, the irritation is swelling. Zoom out, and notice how you are perceiving the situation. Are you seeing yourself as the victim? Or are you seeing yourself as someone who can shift how they are being, thinking, feeling, and behaving? It’s a simple practice. Takes a little bit of effort. It’s a practice, of course. But the more that you do this, the easier it will be. And it can even become automatic that you shift out of resistance back into love, back into creating, back into your right action, back into your right thought, your right energy, the most beneficial energy that you can have.
If this content is resonating with you, if you would like to go deeper into your own healing and elevating your consciousness about what is possible for you, your community, and the world, please reach out and connect with me. You can use callwithrebecca.com to schedule a call with me. Or, if you want to check me out further, go to rebeccawiener.com.
I will see you next time. Have a beautiful week. Take really good care of yourself. Bye for now.
About the Author:
Rebecca Wiener McGregor, also known as The Anxiety Eraser, is a seasoned transformational hypnotist, trauma healer, and abundance coach. Since 2004, she guides visionary women to break free from anxiety, blocks, traumas, and fears, leading them to a life filled with abundance and purpose. Through her book “Loving Her” and work with conscious women executives, leaders, coaches, and healers worldwide, Rebecca sparks profound transformations, helping her clients embrace their true selves and create impactful, joyful, fulfilling lives.
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